Realization
by MapleandPheonixFeather
Summary: In the midst of the falling snow and and bleak starry night, Hermione ponders Dumbledore's mission, Ron, and her heart. There's something lurking in the back of her mind, and it's high time she faced it.  Thanks to my betas and HBW for the title. R


DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does. This is just me fooling around with her characters, settings, and world.

Hermione sat outside the tent, snowflakes drifting down around her. It was her turn to guard the camp tonight. Truth be told, Hermione didn't mind keeping watch; it gave her time to think out of Harry's presence. Not that being in Harry's presence was a bad thing, per se, but it was most often on those nights that she was guarding the tent – and away from Harry – that she found she could be honest with herself.

Hermione sat, leaning against the tent pole, a bottle of bluebell flames on her right, and two books on her left. The first book was i _The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore._ /i Hermione, looking for answers, had been bringing this book out with her every time she had been on guard for weeks. She sighed deeply to herself and picked it up. She'd read it through three times now, and still had not found anything useful except the eye-like symbol - - the symbol that had been haunting them for months.

Hermione flipped through the pages to Dumbledore's letter to Grindelwald. No matter how many times she read the letter, she could not figure out how the symbol fit. Hermione sighed again and lay the book aside. She was tired of trying to decipher useful information from it. Her heart wasn't really in it. There was something lurking in the back of her mind that had been bothering her for awhile, and it was high time she faced it.

Hermione closed the book, set it beside her, and picked up the second book. It was the journal that Hermione, unbeknownst to Harry, had been keeping over the last several months. She had known before they had even started out, that this journey would be something that she'd want to remember forever. She was planning on showing it to her parents, if she ever retrieved them – if she lived to tell the tale. It was a positive place to rant, and a way to keep her emotions in check. It wasn't just a record of the search for Voldemort's Horcruxes, but also a record of her emotional journey. And tonight, she felt as if this might be the book that would hold the answers she needed.

Hermione flipped back through the journal. There were no dates in it, as time was now irrelevant. This journey was about living, and completing Dumbledore's mission. Hermione turned to the entry she wanted.

_center iRon left today. He felt that we're not making any process, and he was sick of all of this uncertainty and struggles. Even though I agree, I knew that this was more or less how it would be. It made me upset that he didn't stick with us. He's stuck with Harry through everything - the Chamber of Secrets, the Ministry - why quit now? We're his best friends. Why would Ron leave? It hurts me to know that we weren't enough. That I wasn't enough. /i /center_

Hermione flipped a few more pages, hoping that she'd find something about what was bothering her.

_center iIt's been days since Ron left, but I can't stop crying. For the first few days, I thought that my heart was breaking, but now I don't think that's the case. I think I'm just scared. Ron, for all his faults, offered a sense of security, and now this mission appears bleaker than ever. /i /center_

Hermione paused here for a moment. Her heart hadn't broken and that didn't make any sense at all. If she really did fancy, possibly love Ron, why then, when she had known that she wasn't enough to make Ron stay, did she feel nothing except that the world was bleak? She'd always felt a strong sense of attraction to someone when Ron and Harry were around. And in her Amortentia, did she not smell the Burrow? Hermione, more confused than ever, flipped to a more recent entry, the one she wrote on Christmas Eve - the night that her entire world had almost shattered into a million pieces.

_center i I'm so scared. I don't think I've ever been this scared. We've been out of Godric's Hollow for two hours now, and Harry still hasn't woken up. I've done everything I could, including removing that dreadful locket. It wouldn't come off, so I had to sever it. He's going to scar if he ever comes out of this. If he lives. I don't what I'll do if he doesn't live. I've lost everything. I can't lose him, too. I couldn't handle losing him. I'm so scared! I can't stop crying. /i /center_

Hermione closed her journal. She didn't want to finish reading that entry. When she thought about it, she realized that that night had been the scariest night of her life. It wasn't the snake that had scared her. No, she'd seen and fought worse, she'd been in similar situations. No, what had scared her was that she might lose Harry. Losing Harry was not something she ever wanted to experience. She didn't think she could endure it.

Hermione continued to ponder their situation. Their entire mission was uncertain. They lived day to day, Horcrux to Horcrux. They didn't know how long they could stay safe. All that mattered was staying alive and completing Dumbledore's mission.

As Hermione continued reflecting, she realized that she wasn't so much concerned with_ them_ staying alive, but with Harry staying alive.

Hermione turned and opened the flap of the tent. Looking inside, she saw Harry sitting at the table, watching a piece of paper. She watched her best friend sadly, realizing that he was watching Ginny's dot on the Marauders Map. Her heart ached, knowing that Harry loved Ginny so much, but knowing that, at least for right now, he could not have her. Hermione knew that he had broken his heart to save Ginny, and that watching her dot was his way of making sure that she was okay, that he hadn't broken his heart, or hers, for nothing. It was his temporary relief for all the hurt. As she reflected on this, Hermione felt something that she had never felt before, and she knew exactly what had been bothering her.

She, Hermione Granger, was in love with Harry Potter. Her best friend. The person that she had risked her life with, and for, numerous times. The person with whom she was sharing this terrifying yet necessary journey with.

Looking back, Hermione realized that it made total sense. The fluttering in her stomach when she, Harry and Ron were together - she had feelings for Harry, not Ron. The smell of the Burrow in the Amortentia was not representative of Ron, but rather it was the place outside of school where they had all been together. _But why don't I smell Grimmauld Place then?_ Hermione questioned herself. After a moment of thought, she answered herself: _Because when I smelled the Amortentia, most of the time I had spent at Grimmauld Place was with Ron._ It also made sense that her reaction to almost losing Harry had been stronger than really losing Ron. With Ron, it had been only the loss of security and the realization of their grave situation that had depressed her. With Harry, she had felt that if she lost him, she'd have lost everything. It had been a feeling of complete and utter hopelessness.

Hermione pulled out her journal and opened it to a clean page. This journal had been meant to be a record of not only the physical adventure, but the emotional adventure, after all. She knew that this had to be written down, and she knew how she was going to do it.

_i Dear Harry,_

_My mother always told me that the hardest thing I could ever have to endure would be to watch the person I loved be in love with someone else. I always thought that she was right, until now. Now I know that there is something harder. I have decided that the hardest thing I will ever be forced to endure is to watch the person I love break his own heart. As I sit here, watching you as you watch Ginny on the Marauders Map, it kills me to know that you're breaking your heart, even if it is to save the person you love._

_I know now that the person I love is the man in front of me. The man I have endured many hardships and challenges with. You know me better than anyone else, and you are the only one that has stuck with me through thick and thin. You've always been there, and I love you for it. You always know exactly what to say and what to do. You never press me for anything. Sitting here in the twilight, snow falling around me, I've never seen it as clearly as I do now. I didn't expect this to happen, but I'm sitting here, watching you, and now my heart is breaking as you willingly break yours. /i_

Unwillingly, Hermione started to cry. Softly, it's true, but she was crying none the less. It didn't hurt her that Harry wasn't with her, it hurt her to know that he was hurting just as much as she was, and he was hurting willingly.

Hermione didn't hear the footsteps. She was sitting outside the tent, quill in hand, staring at the page which contained all her feelings, thinking, when suddenly she felt a pair of warm, strong arms wrap around her from behind, and a chin come to rest upon her shoulder. There was a whisper in her ear.

"Hermione, everything will be alright."

Startled, Hermione snapped her journal shut, knowing that Harry must never see those words. She allowed herself to melt into Harry for a moment, her cold, drained body absorbing warmth and comfort from his. For the first time in months, Hermione felt security and comfort. As the snowflakes fell around them, Hermione thought that the snow had never looked so beautiful, nor had the stars ever shone so bright.

**A/N:** This was a holiday exchange fic for FawkestotheRescue. Thanks for reading my fic, I hope you enjoyed it. Reviews make fanfic writers happy :D

Thanks to hogwartsbookworm for betaing this and putting so much work into it. Thanks also to SingingWren for the support :) Thanks to Hghplove and pointing out that it's the life and LIES of Albu Dumbledore. Finally, my own personal disclaimer: I don't ship Harmony, it was a gift for someone who does.

Hit the lovely blue button please :)


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